*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.