[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate