New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
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[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.