My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know