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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube