I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Just a friendly reminder!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .