me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
what
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago