the pigeons are already plenty salty
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Awesome parenting 😂
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.