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need a new bf mines broken 😐
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.