as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”