Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
You Might Also Like
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Need this in my life lol
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes