If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
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bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
channeling her this year
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Always.
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*