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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Never be a pizza!
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!