interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
how to have fun when you’re poor
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Pot warmers of the day.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Guys, I found it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises