My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.