I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
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I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Kermit goes Blue.