[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
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Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.