people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight