I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
no regrets
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[shakes fist at other fist]
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?