My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird