I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.