Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
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Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.