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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Why soy sad?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”