That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.