blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Birds & Planes.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees