[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
we’re gonna need another temp
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea