Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]