I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
You Might Also Like
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
why I oughta
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.