I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Finally! 😈