finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Day 2 of my diet
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
This is always good for a laugh.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”