My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face