I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?