I’m good, thanks.
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Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My daily affirmation
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.