Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: