German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.