It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My love language is deader than Latin
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.