ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
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Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.