Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
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Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Beware of the dog..
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less