You Might Also Like
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Feels like the fourth month in January
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Perfect.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
it must be school picture day
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.