SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
This is my emotional support online shopping cart