Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Optional boss fight.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭