After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
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Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*seductively corrects your posture*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there