Smile they said.
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”