Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Confused owl: What?!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up