Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
scrabbled eggs
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.