Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
👾👾👾
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
sliding into dms like
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Love is always patient and kind.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.