Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
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Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Breaking news:
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
early stone age tool
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?