Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
You Might Also Like
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does