CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train