5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You Might Also Like
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Hell yeah 👍
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.